Mommy says, “Bedtime means no more movies.”

Daddy says, “You can watch until it ends.”

Mommy says, “Eat what’s on your plate.”

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Daddy says, “Two more bites.”

Mommy says, “Bedtime means two stories and a kiss.”

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Daddy says “Bedtime means bedtime,” but will run back and forth because Katie doesn’t have a blue cup and refuses to drink from the yellow one, because Nikki cries when the wrong blanket is a little too close to touching her, because Katie has a fit if she doesn’t have her bear — Bedtime Bear not Cheer Bear — her doll and the toy-of-the-day tucked in beside her.

Mommy thinks bedtime shouldn’t be a 45-minute process.

Is it any wonder my two little ones are hard-core Daddy’s girls?

Yes!

I mean, it’s not as if he’s never laid down the law or caters to their every whim.

He’s stuck to his guns before.

And it’s not as if I’ve never sneaked them a snack, even though they didn’t finish their dinners or nudged the line a little on the “official” bedtime.

So why the favoritism? Why do they start crying first thing in the morning when they hear Daddy’s already left for work? Why is Katie’s first question when I pick her up, “Where’s Daddy?”

It’s hard coming in second where your children are concerned.

It’s also hard coming in first.

Children have no middle ground — it’s all or nothing. Daddy would love a few minutes to himself to be able to stretch out on the couch instead of lay with one girl beside him and the other on top.

He’d love it if Mommy could get them out of the bathtub once in awhile, but “no!” they want Daddy.

Yeah, my heart bleeds for you, Daddy.

That’s a problem with girls — the only time they were mommy’s girls was when they were breastfeeding, and even then I had to hand them to daddy if I wanted them to go to sleep.

I’m sure Freud would have a long explanation — something to do with a reversed Oedipus — but that really doesn’t mean a thing to me. What means something is the card Katie made in preschool that read, “Thanks, Daddy, for taking care of me.”

Yeah, ’cause Mommy pretty much stays in bed all day, thaws hot dogs only when she can’t take the complaints anymore and considers a rubdown with a wipe as good as a bath.

Honestly!

I’m a big fan of equality. I don’t need all their attention all the time. An equal measure would suit me just fine.

I think I’m going to have to invest heavily in bribes.

You just can’t fight the natural progression of normal psychosexual development without them.