H. Neal Glanville: In the nick of time
May 16, 2011
We each have rituals in spring, rituals that by thought or deed, cleanse our souls of the savagery the crud of adulthood has left upon us.
The crud, as we have learned through modern science, enjoys nothing more than the solace of winter to gather his troops.
You've seen his men out there smashing the season's first mud pies, or driving down quiet little streets merrily squashing night crawlers.
But, this is never enough for those foghorn-lipped devils.
When their fun seems to be waning, they call their older cousins, the really worthless ones, to come join the fun.
Now, the king and queen of stupid really know how to throw a party on everyone else's dime.
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They love bringing up issues like flag burning, the proper spacing of cattle guard rails, or my favorite — any issue that will dirty the water of all things more important.
In my turn of the century, youth let their parents decide when a dress was too short or if the name of a lost love gouged into your skin with a pen dipped in Indian ink might be inappropriate until he or she left home.
When that failed, each school had a vice principal that didn't need metal detectors or police supervision — he was the law and so was his word.
Now this year's party shall convene around a rubber band. Not just an ordinary rubber band, mind you, but one that has the words "I (heart) Boobies! Keep a Breast Alive!"
For some inane reason, some more cousins of the worthless branch of the family find this language inappropriate.
How considerate and just in the nick of time. The whole bloody town is gearing up for our annual Relay for Life campaign.
Heck with it, let's forget about our tests scores, the every-day drug use and the "out of control binge drinking" of our youth.
We shouldn't worry about the ones that can't read at their own level or are even prepared to seek employment.
I'm with you "cousins" — let's wipe boobs off the kid's wrists and let them go the merry way of the Moffat County School District.
To give equal opportunity to the worthless cousins, you may mail them a card, care of the American Civil Liberties Union, postal tube No. 3, Planet Stupid.
Congratulations to Bill Rice, Koa Beaulieu and April Fread, fisherman I met this weekend just having fun.
Hey, you be care full out there, and stay to the light.