Baxter Black: E Hominy Grits
June 18, 2011
I was having a nice chat with a ranch woman in New Mexico.
We wound up discussing children. Then the subject of sons came up. We noted the special relationship between mothers and sons.
Cheri, the ranch woman, said her son had been a dutiful cowboy ranch kid but had other plans for the future. By age 25 he was an officer in a bank in Phoenix and was on a career track to be rich and cautious someday. Despite her encouragement to find a nice woman, he just never had the time, was too picky, or professed no interest.
Sister and Mom discussed his plight endlessly, then one day came up with a great idea to help him find a soul mate. They contacted eHarmony.com.
Mother coughed up the $60 — nothin' was too good for her son. She received the list of 1,000 questions required to participate. I asked if she consulted her son.
"Why?" she asked. "I knew everything he would say."
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Our conversation stimulated me to apply to E Hominy Grits for a long-time, single, struggling cowboy friend of mine. I had bought many a beer listening to his whining and griping about women. So, I filled out the detailed questionnaire on his behalf. I knew everything he would say.
Here's a sampling:
Do you prefer a woman who is tall or short? It depends on whether she's shining my boots or sitting in front of me in a theater.
Do you consider yourself an epicurean? No, mostly I'm a Methodist.
When was the last time you had a tryst with a woman? Not sure … I was in Heber City a while back and this gal made me some scones.
How do you feel about women who work outside the home? Long as she has company insurance it's OK with me.
Would you decline dating a woman with prison tattoos? If my name was spelt right it would be fine.
Do aggressive women turn you off? It depends on whether she is carrying a concealed weapon.
Have you spent much time around dogs? Well, if you hook me up again, this will be the third time I've tried to get a date on this website.
Do you like horses? Shore I do, but I'm looking for a girl this time.
What do you consider your strongest feature? Some have said I have beady eyes, a long nose, a pot belly and body odor. So, I'd have to say … body odor.
What is the highest level of education you've achieved? I got halfway through horse shoeing school so I can only do the front feet.
Back to Cheri and Sister trying to match up their young banker. They carried on e-mail conversations with many female applicants without his knowledge and selected two, then eliminated one of them. They found the perfect mate for him, all through e-mail.
They are now married. The new bride said she was taken in by his uncanny insight into women's minds. I would say she certainly was.