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25 October 2012
at 12:17 p.m.
Sassy1: Appreciate your post. The only answer I know of is the AAA approach: Acknowledge the truth; Apologize; make Amends. But that only works if both sides are willing to perform that magic. The secret is to restore trust, as until that is done one cannot say the relationship is restored.
How to do that when both sides are not willing to do it? As far as I know, it is impossible.
18 September 2012
at 7:21 p.m.
So…justice is what we need. Justice and truth and humility. Sometimes the One is estranged because he or she demanded to be treated with justice and affection, and would not settle for less.
Out of respect for theirself, they would not settle for less, not settle for lies and betrayal and indifference. On close inspection, it is actually the Many that estranged…divorced…the One first.
As the saying goes, no one knows what the snake bite feels like, unless they have been bitten by the same snake. And so the estranged are also shunned by a society that does not appreciate this aspect of the situation.
Society conspires to cover up the offenses of the Many, and to protect the meme that Truth is held by Authority is held by the Many. The majority is always right. Except…that they are exactly as fallable as the One; it is an illusion that in numbers somehow human mental processes and perceptions become purified.
But wait, there's more. It is true that being cut off from the root, cut off from your family…does curse your life.
How to form and maintain relationships without the support of your family? Is it not the role of the parents to bring their children into adult society, to engage mentors and give initial guidance and direction to their lives, to provide access to critical business relationships?
How to have a positive self concept in the light of your family's disdain? (If they do not love you, how can anyone else?) How can you feel like anything but a failure? You lost your whole family…that is the greatest disaster of all.
The fact that you maintained true to yourself and perhaps to truth and justice, seem like small compensation sometimes.
And of course there are still feelings of affection for your family. What to do about that? The only thing worse than not being loved by your family, is not being able to demonstrate to them your love.
This whole topic is worthy of discussion and study! It seems to impact many, many people in all sorts of diverse ways, no case being the same.
So here we are. Sure, there are children deserving of blame, but perhaps this post has already widened the discussion beyond that. Would you care to share your thoughts and experiences?
Please, no names or inflammatory accusations. This thread is not about blame. It is about loving family past circumstances and from a distance; you could say it is a tribute to those difficult and irreconcilable…and precious…relationships.
18 September 2012
at 7:20 p.m.
So here is where I am going with all this. It turns out that many many people are living solitary adult lives. Many I know, maybe most, are estranged from at least one member of their family.
They will tell tales of theft, treachery, lies, betrayal. These tales can include siblings and mom and dad.
Family politics will have siblings competing with one another in some dysfunctional reality show, forming strategic alliances and then stabbing in the back eventually, because…there can be only ONE, Highlander! Parents manipulate to gain the efforts and keep the affection of their children.
As with a corrupt corporation, rather than justice, typically the idea is to protect the authority (boss, mom and dad) and so keep your place in the structure.
The whistleblower is estranged and frozen out, rather than the issue being corrected if that would involve loss of political power and loss of face.
18 September 2012
at 7:19 p.m.
'Tis a puzzling thing. Our society teaches us that if a child disowns their family, that it is the child's fault.
Selfish, childish, and rebellious.
The bigger meme is arguably that authority is held by the majority, and that truth is held by the authority. In other words, if One person disowns Four, then it is the Four that have the Authority and so the Truth; The One is Wrong.
But this teaching has a logical fallacy; it precludes the possibility of abuse of authority. The reality is that the many can be just as wrong as the one. In fact, a wrong idea is spread from one to many through powers of pursuasion, not the weight of its own truth.
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