H. Neal Glanville: Lems-fertile and trips to Planet Stupid
November 22, 2010
We are wandering into my favorite time of year. I know how could a fish-aholic even daydream of winter as a favorite time of year? I don't have a clue; you'll have to ask the weak side.
Anyway, it would seem we've come to terms with the tree huggers' outcry over the deer cruising town. After all, it's gone to committee and there's enough snow on the ground that the splintered branch of the tree hugger party — I think it's called "knot heads" — will start their campaigning over the poor little dears being all cold and hungry for the next five to six months.
We've come a long way from the annual downtown skunk hunts. Makes me wonder about the unmentioned plight of the lems-fertile.
Now the lems-fertile, Crevice Americanus, is a close cousin to the puma and snow snake and lives pretty much wherever it wants, though it does prefer the open spaces of the high desert. It has been reported in such diverse locations as Ogden, Utah, and Cleveland, Ohio.
It's rarely seen, but very often noticed. That may sound odd but think of the times your dog or cat got all weird for no reason, yup lems-fertile. Or perhaps you suddenly see something out of the corner of your good eye and nothing's there. Again, it's that furry little lems-fertile.
Such things as sitting up with a start and sneezing, or even those times when you feel like you've been there and you haven't, you're in lems- fertile territory.
We, monarchs of the crud of adulthood, have little to fear from this spiny-tailed fur ball, but children of all ages should become wary in parks, playgrounds and on waterslides.
This ingenious little critter is in constant search for fruits and nuts — they have to watch their weight — which make up their diet. They may be spotted beside swingsets or munching on brightly colored water wings.
Rise up Craig America, go to your backdoors and windows, throw fruits and nuts upon the snow covered plains of last years stuff and forget about the deer.
Free the lems-fertile.
Now for something completely different.
The ingenuity of our species never ceases to amaze me. On the tip of one hand, we've got thieves who have a neon sign flashing; we live here on their roof.
I've got it. Let's steal some CDs and a bike so we don't have to walk home, leave a weaving trail of bike tracks and the CD boxes we don't like, and then wonder how we got caught.
On the same, but now bloody hand, we've got a beekeeper who got shot while cleaning his shotgun, no wait a minute that will make him sound dumb. He set a "trap" with his shotgun to ward off a hungry bear and somehow he, not the bear, got shot.
The local police and officials of the Department of Wildlife have decided, in between fits of uncontrollable laughter, not to press charges against this valiant protector of bee boxes.
As life will have it, I've been known to buy the occasional ticket to the Planet Stupid and somehow missed each flight These three have vacationed there way too often.
Oh the weak side said you can always get warmer in the winter but you can't always get cooler in the summer.
Hey, you be careful out there.