Al Cashion: Essential, sequential linearity

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There is an essential, sequential linearity that orders big chunks of the Universe.

Underwear first, pants second. Chew, then swallow. Deodorant before co-mingling. Deposit before withdrawal. B must be preceded by A and followed by C if D stands for Destination.

Some adept and adroit minds are quite satisfied with that fact of life. These minds can set a goal, draw a horizontal line on a sheet of paper, dividing it into equal parts of time, manpower, skill set, capitol, materials or whatever and arrive precisely at the goal, on time, on budget and do so without a worry.

Envy is a sin and I’m sorry, God.

My brain does not deal in linearity. Sequential thinking is as foreign to me as having afternoon tea with an Uzbekistan Mathematician and Soccer Player who raises shrews and other rodents for just for fun.

I don’t speak Uzbek. I darn sure don’t speak math. I don’t know why soccer exists except to provide a background for fans beating one another. I don’t like raising anything, much less oddly named vermin and I don’t do afternoon tea.

My little pinky won’t stay stuck in the stick out position.

I appear uncouth. I hate it when I appear uncouth.

My ADHD kicks in with the simplest of linear tasks. Trying to go to sleep for example.

“One sheep, two sheep, cow, turtle, duck, ol’ Mc Donald had a farm, Heeeeyy Macarena!”

Essential, sequential linearity is law of physics. Like the 13th law of Thermodynamics or somethin’. Just like gravity, if you intentionally defy its rule, you’re gonna get hurt.

Or you’ll at least look really stupid with your underwear on the outside of your pants.

However, there are some linear concepts that do seem to stay fixed in my head.

I have one that didn’t come through formal education. It certainly did not come as the proverbial light bulb.

I think it took about 6 decades to slowly kind of ooze into me: Confession — Apology — Excuses — Spin.

Let’s start at the last and go backward. I won’t get lost. I get the linearity.

Spin!

What a wonderful, magical word that has become. To spin is to state positively or lend positive results or intents to something said or done that was just flat out wrong.

Examples: “He would have never looked that good in a casket if I hadn’t shot him while he was still young.”

You see? You take that negative, put a smile on your face and a song in your heart, and find something to brag about from your wrong doing.

“Beating my wife was the only thing that got her into that shelter where she’ll be safe.”

Spin is a term used in politics a lot. Maybe that is why we are in deep trouble.

Excuses!

If you need an expert on excuses, you may contact me. I am all pro, headed for the Hall of Shame. I guarantee I can provide an excuse for almost any need.

“I was on my way to pay the light bill when I ran outta gas cause I had two flat tires and I had to jump outta the pickup to help a ninety five year old lady across the street and she started actin’ real sick and I stayed till the ambulance came and then I was all upset and had to run by the church to pray about it and the Pastor needed my help getting’ the heater goin’ for the baptizin’ tank and then ….”

That one is free. Further requests will be charged a small fee.

Excuses accomplish nothing except providing good exercise in lying skills. Excuses 104 is a prerequisite to Spin 101.

They solve nothing. They heal nothing. They hope nothing. They offer nothing.

Parents who wearily accept excuses, knowing they are exactly that, are enrolling their children in Excuses 104.

Caution, Humility required from this point forward.

Apology!

An apology is properly used when one has accidently caused some harm, inconvenience, or loss to another. Because it was unintentional, it does not require confession.

Examples would be………

“I’m sorry. I had beans for lunch and I didn’t expect flatulence this quickly or I wouldn’t have taken the elevator.”

That’s a perfectly legitimate apology. Rarely met with an, “Ok, Buddy. I forgive ya”, and sometimes not even a smile.

But you apologized and the world is a tad better place. It did, however, border on becoming an excuse.

“I’m sorry, Honey. I forgot your birthday.” Legitimate apology. No excuses. Good job!

But Swumbo (SheWhoMust

BeObeyed ­— my bride) might stay a little miffed for a while. She may require indulgences.

Confession.

By far, this is the hardest thing to do. It involves your intentional harm and another being.

You don’t need examples. You don’t need coaching. When you have intentionally lied to, lied about, cheated, harmed, hurt, stolen, envied, insulted, bullied, oppressed … anyone anybody, any group, any family, any Creator … confession is the remedy. Apologies are empty, Excuses are an insult in the least and Spin is Satanic.

A little confession could make the world a better place. You might here, “Ok Buddy. I forgive ya.” come down from above.

Heeeey Macarena!

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