Baxter Black: Taking the other side

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Baxter Black

Like many of you, I receive all kinds of news stories, jokes, blogs, etc.

Last week, three items came my way that stimulated a predictable knee-jerk response.

Why, I asked myself, can’t I be more generous and examine the opposite side of view?

So today, I will.

The first item was, “In France, eating animals becomes legal obligation.”

The government is decreeing to school, colleges, nursing homes, children’s hospitals and prisons that they must serve meat as their main source of protein.

Taking the side of Verona the Vegan, I would say, “Meat is bad for you. Even a sip of chicken broth can upset the system of the strongest vegan’s digestive tract. To walk by a Pizza Hut can give some of us a rash. A true vegan couldn’t even catch a whiff of tuna salad. We’d all be forced to wear Asian Flu masks.”

At a table, where everyone is ordering brisket and ribs, our vegan minority representative would look around and quietly say, “Oh … I guess I’ll have the cole slaw.”

It’s imperative we not lose the martyred image. Think of the sacrifice it takes to live on a diet of protein from soybeans, carbs from brownies, and vitamin B from organic chemicals.

We suffer on your behalf and proselytize like recovering smokers. France must be stopped!

Item No. 2 said, “Humane Society of the U.S. still stiffing nation’s pet shelters. The Humanewatch.org shows how little the HSUS gives to Pet Shelters across the country.”

In response, as their spokesman I might say, “Of course we don’t donate much to pet shelters. Where would you get such an outrageous idea? Probably those pictures of yearning and abused puppies you see in our commercials.

“Obviously, it’s to attract attention, but our lawyers say it would be hard to prove deceptive advertising. The object, of course, is money. Speaking of which, there is not enough in our budget to support pet shelters. By gosh, it takes more than a third of your donations to run these ads featuring yearning and abused puppies that we make to encourage you to send in more money.

“You just don’t know. A quarter of all you send is squirreled away, invested, you know. You can’t expect us to spend that money on yearning abused pets … that’s our pension. Lawyers are expensive. It takes a lot of cash to sue people. Plus CEOs and officers need to make a little. So, I hope you can see, we simply don’t have the money to throw around.”

Item No. 3, a notice from the Department of Interior about designating additional miles of river and reclassification of “Endangered” to the Loach Minnow.

Response from a member of LLLC (Loach Lovers LC): “I am shocked that anyone could object to increasing protection for a fish that I admit I have never seen and virtually nobody has ever heard of.

“But think of the benefits: restriction of recreational use of rivers, prevention of access to the public, limiting grazing, timber and mining, anything that might encourage people to live there.

“As you know, LLLC derives hundreds of thousands of dollars by litigating nuisance lawsuits with the government who, in turn, supports us by settling out of court. What a deal. Love the Loach? You bet your spotted owl. How stupid do you think we are?”

The end. Presented on behalf of the misunderstood.

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