Annie's Mailbox for June 23, 2011: Want to tell lover's husband about affair

Dear Annie: I am having an affair with a married woman. We used to live together and then separated under conditions that were totally my fault. Afterward, I begged her forgiveness and proposed marriage. She declined, but we continued our physical relationship. She then abruptly ended this relationship and married someone else. I was devastated. She told me she wanted to be friends, and I told her I never wanted to see her again.

Within months of her marriage, she called to say she missed me and wanted to be with me again. Our affair is now in its second year. She says she loves me. I have asked her to leave her husband, but she won't, either out of fear, embarrassment or an unwillingness to leave the comfortable lifestyle he provides her. I have told her if she won't tell him about me, I will do it myself, even though it might mean losing her. But I'm hardly a part of her life now anyway. Do I have a right to do this?

— Right or Wrong

Dear Right: You shouldn't interfere in someone else's marriage, either by having an affair with his wife or by confronting him with the information. Your choice is to continue seeing this woman or break it off. We will tell you this: She is not going to leave her husband for you. She will keep you dangling on a string as long as you permit it. Please let her go, and find someone who is willing to return your love and devotion.

Dear Annie: My husband and I received a printed invitation from a friend to attend her husband's surprise birthday party. Before I had a chance to RSVP, she e-mailed, saying she hoped we could come and, if so, asked that I bring an appetizer. I was taken aback and didn't realize I was co-hosting this party.

Should I respond that we'll:

  1. Attend with the appetizer and birthday gift?

  2. Attend, decline on the appetizer, but promise to send money to offset the cost of food and inquire if there will be a cash bar?

  3. Send regrets?

I guess I'm having a problem with asking guests to provide the food. I could understand bringing something if a bunch of friends decided as a group to have a potluck or if I had volunteered to cook. What am I to do?

— Unwilling Co-Host

Dear Unwilling: It is OK to tell your friend you would love to attend the party but prefer not to be responsible for feeding her guests. However, if this is a very close friend, it would be gracious of you to agree to her request, even though it was totally inappropriate of her to put you on the spot. Maintaining friendships sometimes requires overlooking such impositions.

Dear Annie: "Want To Make Things Right" said her friend claimed neighbors were bombarding his house with "rays," the shower made his skin burn and his dogs refused to drink the tap water. I liked your suggestion to contact the Environmental Protection Agency. Too many people have been labeled delusional when there is a real cause. There is something wrong with the water if the dogs won't drink it.

The latest method of extracting gas (fracking) involves forcing chemicals into the rocks, causing them to fracture and release the trapped gas. Unfortunately, the process can poison the groundwater supply. Many incidents of poisoned animals, sickened people and tap water bursting into flames by a lighted match have been reported, but not much is being done. I thought perhaps you could spread the word.

— Not Delusional in Missouri

Dear Missouri: This is a highly controversial issue, with adherents on both sides. So far, Congress has been unsuccessful in passing legislation to require energy companies to disclose the chemicals used in fracking and to comply with the Safe Drinking Water Act.

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