H. Neal Glanville: Odd observations from a grumpy old guy

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H. Neal Glanville

How can something be “new and improved?”

If it’s new, then isn’t everything inside the box or bottle just plain new, unused, or unchanged in any way?

And yet they throw “improved” on the label to have us believe they’ve improved something that’s never been used, or perhaps they’ve added light purple dye No. 56 to improve the newness so we won’t notice it’s really the old stuff tossed in a different container.

What about “all new, but still the same original scents you’ve come to love and trust?”

I don’t care if the product is all new or how pretty the original scents are, if it’s built to clean my clothes, then let me dump a cup on top of my dirty jeans so I can clean them without fearing attack from falling leaves or monster butterflies.

One of my recent favorites is “surgery has a home.”

Did you know surgery was homeless? I didn’t. Thank heaven I wasn’t in need of some roadside patchwork.

Have you heard or read about an oil company improving its products in South America and Malaysia?

Granted, these countries may be in need of some help from this “concerned” oil company and I wish them well, but what if this is where our oil rigs from the Gulf are going and they’re breaking the news to us gently in case they hit a big gob of oil that we will have no part of?

Have you ever noticed when the President disembarks from Air Force One or that awesome Marine helicopter, he’s waving to somebody, yet they never show who is on the receiving end of the wave?

Or when he reaches the podium, he grabs the microphone like it’s a magic wand that will somehow make the news he’s about to give sound better than it really is?

One thing that has puzzled me for years and years is a “bad hair day.”

How does hair misbehave?

Does it talk back to you, fib about which side it’s going to part on, or just rebel because you’re going to stick a hot curling iron in amongst his friends that are just lying around trying to wake up?

Is it bad because it’s tired of all the junk we put on it just to give it more shine or look fuller?

Maybe I’ve just discovered the root cause of baldness — your hair has become so fed up with behaving to the standards someone else has set for it, it has decided to leave home and find a kinder, softer, gentler head to live on.

And finally

If you find a penny today and double its’ value each day for a month — 2 cents, 4 cents, 8 cents and so on — by Thanksgiving you’ll have a million bucks, give or take a penny or two.

That’s just about enough to afford all the stuff advertisers insist we need for a better life.

Hey, you be careful out there.

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