To the editor:
Oh dear. Look out. There’s a deer. Run for your life, hide in the house. My poor little lap dog is running for cover.
Maybe I should move to Florida, but wait — don’t the alligators come into your yard and pool in Florida?
I know. I’ll go to Arizona, but wait — don’t they have rattlesnakes and maybe killer bees in Arizona?
What about California? Maybe Mammoth Lake. At least they have a guy they call the Bear Whisperer who chases the bears from the summer homes and yards.
Come to think about it, maybe I’ll stay here in Craig. Maybe I’ll just put up a six-foot fence or even an electric wire around my yard, and if I have a real mean deer in my yard, I’ll call a fine, brave policeman or animal extractor like they do in Florida, Arizona or Mammoth Lake, Calif.
Yep, I’ll stay in good, old Craig.
I might even find the idiot who started this controversy and tar and feather him or her. Then ship them to Alaska, where women carry 375 mags in their purses and the men rope, feed and fatten up the moose for hunting season.
I gotta go now. My wife just turned the hose on a fawn that was going to bite her.
Max S. Snare