Kathy Bassett: A little stink goes a long way

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Kathy Bassett

Kathy Bassett's column, "The View from Maybell," appears in the Saturday Morning Press.

— Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe said.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a worldlier fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” Joe recalled. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

“Pew!”

Yeah, why do dogs roll in cow manure? Then they come running up to you with that “show-off” look all the while being painted green and dripping with the gunk. It’s even worse if they ate a bunch of it.

Yucky.

They then wonder why you yell at them and tell them they ain’t purty! Ani thinks it is so cool to find a big juicy cow pie and make it part of her attire. I don’t find it amusing in the least bit.

So out comes the shampoo and the hose, and Ani tries to hide under the porch.

When she finally realizes that I’m not going to give up, she comes slinking up to me, and I give her a royal shower right there in the front yard. She doesn’t really like it, but that makes us even.

I don’t like it, either.

After we get all cleaned up and stuff put away, she is once again a pretty picture of black and white and plops down in the yard to watch the cows and wonder when she might be able to sneak back over there and try it again.

We once had a dog that loved to roll around in dead fish at the lake.

Now there is one to make you call for a tank of oxygen so you can breathe again.

And I don’t care what they say, tomato juice just doesn’t work.

But I sort of got the skunk odors under control for the unlucky day when Ani gets too close to one of those.

Thank goodness that hasn’t happened yet, but it’s a wonder what with all the skunks roaming around here.

And speaking of stinkin’ … did you hear about the couple, Henry and JudySue, who went for a walk in the countryside?

After a while, ol’ Henry had to answer a call of nature but luckily he spotted an outhouse down the way. So he excused himself and left JudySue waiting and waiting . . . and waiting.

Finally she stuck her head in the outhouse and saw Henry stirring up the muck in the hole with a stick.

“Henry! What the heck are you doing stirring in that?” she yelled.

“I dropped my jacket down the hole, and it’s the one my momma gave me,” he said.

She shook her head and told him he was crazy!

“You ain’t gonna wear that thing now are you?”

“Why heck no,” Henry replied, “but there’s a boloney sandwich in one of the pockets!”

And I knew a couple who had a little boy.

The guy just couldn’t handle changing diapers. He just couldn’t do it.

So, one day the little guy was sort of on the puny side. His ma had to run to town and she told pa to make sure he kept little guy in clean diapers. Yeah, right.

As soon as ma rounded the corner and disappeared out of sight ... pa took some baling twine and tied the bottoms of his little pants tight around his ankles.

When ma got home she wasn’t too happy with pa. And it was just such a big mess, that she stripped the poor little guy outside and cleaned him up with the water hose.

Yep, there are all kinds of smells one experiences out in the country and on a ranch. Some good and some bad. And some awful.

I prefer cow smells over the pig smells that you find up north, but you ask any rancher and he’ll be quick to tell you that all that manure smell is the smell of green stuff alright ... the smell of money.

But we all know in these times, that can be a big joke, too.

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