Kathy Bassett: Crime in Maybell? Think again

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Kathy Bassett

Kathy Bassett's column, "The View from Maybell," appears in the Saturday Morning Press.

No, I didn't hurt myself. No, I'm OK. It's just that I started laughing and laughed so hard that I fell on the floor and I'm enjoying every little carpet fiber in my face.

OK. Now that I have your attention, let me explain why I'm laughing. Maybell had two robberies. Maybell had two crimes. Guess what they stole the first time?

Two pillows. Nope, I'm not kidding. Then recently, someone got a little more serious and stole a gun and some other stuff out of a house. The best part is that they caught the one who took the gun and stuff, but the two pillows? Naw. They were never recovered. It was determined that Maybell has no thieves. Nope, the thieves are from out of town. That has been proven.

Well holy cow, everyone knows everybody else and in a small town it is a well-known fact that a person can't even spit out the back door but what everyone knows about it within three hours. By the time the story makes its rounds, not only did Uncle Bustyerbuns spit, but his chew spit flew out there so far it hit the neighbor's dog! But that is OK. That is good. Everyone looks out for everybody else and who cares if Aunt Matilda's hem is coming loose or Uncle Remus sips his soup through his mustache? The point is, that everyone is safe from everyone else.

Except for the one who took the two pillows. OK. Lets re-introduce this cold case. We already know that nobody in Maybell is a thief. The thief went into a camper, took a nap and stole the pillows. Someone remarked that they thought they saw some guy walking down U.S. Highway 40 shortly after dawn. But they couldn't see pillows. Oh I know. : I bet he had them stuffed in his coat.

I'm guessing that whoever did it changed the pillow cases as soon as they got them home, and we will never be able to find out who did it because they undoubtedly tied rocks on them and threw them into the nearest river or perhaps hid them in some city Dumpster. Maybe they'll come back looking for blankets or sheets or something. Darn. That means folks are going to have to quit watching one another and start watching the clothes lines to make sure the sheets and blankets stay put. So mystery solved.

Seems like there are quite a few transients going through Maybell. Well, I for one am going to erect a nice big sign in my yard that states: "If you can read this, you are within range!"

Don't think for one minute that any of us in Maybell are scared of punks who come out to see what they can steal. Why heck no! They want to steal our trucks? Guess what? We lock 'em up now. They want to steal our purses? Go ahead. We'll just go to another yard sale and get another one for 25 cents and if it is a really good leather one, we might have to pay a buck. You won't find anything of interest in our purses. No money except for a few coins. Don't believe in credit cards anymore.

In my purse, you might find a pair of pliers, a receipt from Murdoch's dated last November, and a couple of mints left over from three Christmases ago. If you are looking for drugs, I forgot what that pill thing is in there. It might be an aspirin or a worm pill for the cat. Help yourself - you aren't in the city, buster, you are in the country!

We've had better outlaws in our neck of the woods than you will ever dream about being. We've had Butch Cassidy and the Wild Bunch, plus a whole heap more. We realize times are tough but there are better ways of getting stuff than stealing. You need something to do? Spring is coming and there are fence post holes need dug and corrals mucked out. So come on down buddy, but don't expect a freebie 'cuz there ain't none in Maybell. Not now, not ever.

Comments

oldsage 5 years, 10 months ago

Well, it looks like somebody took you up on the challenge Kathy and used a crowbar to unlock the back door of the Maybell Store and stole $4,000 worth of cigarettes and all the 15-40 motor oil. No thieves in Maybell? Think again Kathy. I've heard several stories about some of the more colorful recent arrivals living in and around Maybell and frankly Opra, No, I think maybe Jerry Springer could start and finish a complete season with those folks! How about a reality show using the zip code? It would have a ring to it, like ...Maybell, 81640, where reality bites the dust! The stories are a lot better than the stuff that happens in Red Wash!

And speaking of Red Wash antics, it reminds me of the two fellas who were arrested because one stabbed the bouncer at the Dixon bar and hid the evidence in the other's car, what ever happened to those two guys? Does anybody know, Ive been on the road?

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Kat 5 years, 10 months ago

Oh gosh oldsage! There are deadlines to meet and more deadlines to meet. So my article was turned in just hours before the lowlifes did their disastardly deed in Maybell. Therefore, I didn't get to include that little tidbit into my story. Isn't it a shame they hadn't read my article yet. Maybe it would have caused them to have second thoughts. Don't you think maybe they'd still be shaking in their boots? heh heh

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notmpoppins 5 years, 10 months ago

Kathy, As a new resident in Maybell ( thankfully not one of those that oldsage is talking about, at least I don't think so ) I must say I LOVE IT! Thanks for a great laugh!

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oldsage 5 years, 9 months ago

Ok, there was a deadline at the paper but, I would not categorize the burglary and theft of over $4000 in merchandise as just a "little tidbit" of information. Nor would I say "no crime in Maybell", in fact there have been lots of criminal incidents in Maybell. For instance that was not the first time the back door to the store was opened with a crowbar. And how about when the guy attempted to steal both of the Stoffle's cars from their garage causing thousands of dollars in damage to both cars in his unsuccessful attempts. And how about all the vandalism at the park, and that is not even getting into the drinking and domestic violence problems that pop up every so often like when the moron who's wife said she was leaving him went outside and used a sledge hammer to destroy her Ford Bronco, what a man!

And no, I don't think any of the local homegrown Maybell criminals are shaking in their boots at all because I heard that at the 2006 Maybell Republican Caucus a local candidate soliciting votes stated that he had looked out for the people in his town by not arresting any of their children.

If the children had not been doing anything wrong, there would not have been a reason for them to be arrested, and no reason for the candidate to point out he had not arrested their children. I wonder which one of the unarrested children has now graduated to burglary? No crime in Maybell, like I said, think again!

And Notmpoppins, I certainly hope you aren't one of the goofy ones.

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