H. Neal Glanville: Bearing arms

H. Neal Glanville

H. Neal Glanville's column appears in the Craig Daily Press on Mondays.

It seems like only an hour ago that Steamboat businesses were mandated to use "bear proof" garbage cans/Dumpsters.

Not only have they not been bear proof, they acted as food storage units for some of the rainbow people during their last visit. As I recall, there was quite the uproar about people feeding in the bear-proof Dumpsters and very little said about the enlarging bear problem.

As time floated by, residents occasionally were given "Be Bear Aware" announcements, which for the most part went unheeded - unless of course you were the family that cooked breakfast and had a bear enter through the kitchen window to help clean up the morning mess.

But yet again, time passes on.

We are now cruising into present day warped, where an almost scared bear has died "accidently" in a downtown Steamboat Springs alley.

The weak side of my brain is having quite the tussle with itself trying to understand how a bullet fired at a bear's foot ended the life of this happy go lucky "Dumpster diver."

(Why would anyone wish to roam the woods searching for food when all you'd ever want is stored in easy access food storage units?)

The owner of the projectile that sent this bear to the land of milk and bee-free honey says he was trying to scare the bear away after his call to 911 didn't get the response he thought it should.

Can you imagine the bed-wetting laughter that was bouncing off the walls at police dispatch?

"911, what's your emergency?"

"There's a bear in the alley."

"What's he doing, sir?"

"Well, right now he's just looking around."

"Are you in any danger, sir?"

"Uh, no, I'm inside the house."

"You're inside your home sir?"

"Yes, I'm inside my house."

"Well, sir, if you stay inside your house and don't bother him, he won't bother you and he'll just go away."

"So I should just stay inside my house?"

"Yes, sir, stay inside. Thank you for your call."

Fearing death and destruction throughout the Yampa Valley, this intrepid citizen fires a round at the bears "feet" knowing from his extensive cartoon channel experience the bear will scamper away, never to be seen again.

Well, not in this episode, anyway.

The unfunny part of this week's episode, sorry Steamboat Springs, is the total lack of anything remotely connected to common sense by our intrepid citizen.

I'm left wondering if the sound of the shot alarmed the neighbors or was it the scream from the bear after he was shot that prompted the next 911 phone call?

I also wonder if the ACLU would take a wrongful death case. Of course, it would be on the bear's behalf.

Now for something completely different

This week's fishing has gone far and above the call of duty.

That's a good thing for you non-enjoyers. Every lake within our comfortable travel range has really turned on the catch me switch. (I love all this fish talk). Since our stretch of the Yampa River still stinks, my apologizes to the bottom feeders, I took it upon my weighty shoulders to contact the Division of Wildlife about our problem with the lack of fish in said stretch.

If and when I hear any positive news, you'll be the second to know.

Until next time

Yup, there I was, surrounded by marauding Pack Rats, when I said to myself "Self," I said cause that's what I call myself when I'm talking to myself, "time to break out your trusty Red Ryder BB gun and rid this spot of the evil vermin."

As children, Roy and I were never allowed BB guns. Long guns and shotguns were the norm, BB guns weren't.

So, as a special surprise, his wife "J" and my dark-haired beauty, Jane, got us both Red Ryder BB guns. I giggled first, then cried. I'm truly spoiled rotten.

Back to the pack of rats. I shall not bore you with technical details of my fabulous rat safari. Let it be said that when the little beggars run, aim high, and lead long.

Red Ryder 1 Rats 0.

Thank you for your time.

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